Crass...

The editors make the necessary apologies for the somewhat crude nature of this blog post, but there are not really any means of avoiding it. Our life seems full of toilet humour just now - though some of it just isn't funny.

A special guest column from our agony aunt, Anita Gohe.

Miriam writes: Dear Anita, I have a wee problem. Well, in truth, it's a pooh problem. I've been doing wees on the potty for months now just fine, but I just can't seem to sort out the solids. My big sister was able to do it no trouble, so I feel there must be something wrong. Is there anything I can do?    - Agreeably thankful, Miriam

Miriam, don't worry. These things take time and some people have to wait longer than others. This is all perfectly normal - just keep persevering and everything will be okay. Anita.

Anita, when I first saw your reply I said to myself "Okay" and kept waiting. Unfortunately a couple of days ago, I felt a pooh coming and it caught me somewhat by surprise. I didn't make it to the potty in time, and quite frankly the experience was terrifying! How can it possibly be better to do it that way? Miriam

Poor Miriam, you sound really upset. It's important to remember that this isn't a big deal. "Everybody Poops" as that classic Barry Manilow track has it (- actually was it him? well, someone like him anyway... Maybe it was Sting.) Use those training pants to their full advantage, and in time the fear will fade. Then we can start trying again: you could suggest to your Mummy and Daddy that a treat for success might be beneficial!  - Anita.

 Thanks Anita, I decided not to worry about it. he only thing is that I feel a little bad that Mummy now has so much washing to do! It seems to be even more than when I wore nappies. On the other hand, the offer of treats has been most welcome. To start with, there was this abstract offer of stickers. I would get one sticker for a pooh or wee on the potty, and after getting to the end of a line on my chart, there would be a biscuit. Then they upped the offer to two stickers for a pooh. The offers quickly inflated to the point whereby now I think I will get ALL of the chocolate, just for one pooh on the potty. Honestly, this hard to resist!

Miriam, this sound like a most suitable position to be in. You are now in control. Remember who Number Two works for! Just sit and wait until it happens, then enjoy the treaty goodness.

Neither mother nor father has any idea what to do

Anita, things are not going well. Mummy and Daddy have no idea how to proceed, and have resorted to reading the strangest story about a chap called Poo, who wants to return to Pooland. It's quite mad. Why can't he just go himself? I don't see what this has to do with me. Besides which, everything seems to be stuck now. It's a bit sore and I'm getting quite grumpy about it all.

Miriam, I have just the thing for you. Take some of this delicious medicine and things will be flowing freely soon.

Anita, that medicine works a treat! I am no longer sore. There's just one problem. I seem to need my pants changed very frequently. Mummy and Daddy are being very good about it but I can tell they're a bit frustrated. Recently they've taken the unusual move of asking me to go sans-pants around the house. Our carpet seems to have poo all over it recently, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be something to do with me. I really don't like to cause any trouble.

Miriam, it seems to me that you're just going to have to go with the lesser of two evils. If you don't want to leave deposits on the carpet, try investing in the bank of potty. Who knows, you might even come to enjoy it.

Anita: alright, I'll give it a go. I'm really not all that convinced though.

Oooh, the suspense.

 Anita, it's been a while. It turns out that it wasn't so bad after all! I've even been sitting on the toilet like a *really* big girl. I've been at a friends house and at nursery too. I really think the problem is solved. There is just one issue though: now I expect treats all the time.

It's a celebration.

Dear Miriam, that's great news. Let's go one step at a time, but do remember, the gravy train will have to end some time. And remember, I'm always here to help!

Thanks Anita. You know, trains are okay, but I like fire engines best!

* if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this blogpost, you have our sympathy. We'd love to assure you that it will end quickly, but as it didn't in our case, we can't. Just sit back and enjoy your juice.